Imitation Writing Exercise
To: Nicholas
From: Mia
Subject: Hey! This is your wife! This is a nagging email! Nag nag nag..
Dear Nicholas
I love you but you drive me nuts. Did you talk to your dad yet? Did you ask him about the Mother's Day gift yet? FYI Mother's Day is this weekend. If I don't hear from you as soon as you wake up, then I will be making my own decisions. I might even send her a cat. Or a muumuu. Do you know what a muumuu is? Look it up.
Also...send that email to find out about grad school. If you don't, I'm going to go to grad school for you. I'll tell them that Nicholas is now Mia. You (I?) had a sex change. They will support that. #SanFranLGBTPride (in this case, I'd [you'd?] be the T). I hope I can change your major from engineering to literacy. I'll make a mental note to ask the admissions counselor.
Should I keep going?
Are you leaving wet towels on the floor?
Did you throw away those pizza boxes?
Was that domino's pizza? Really? They have nothing better? Anthony's ? No Anthony's there?
What do you mean Anothony's "is not that great"?? I think it's great, Nicholas. What does that
say about me???
Are you washing your Lululemon gear separately from your other clothes?
What do you mean "no, that's silly"? That Lulu stuff is expensive and it needs to be wash
separate from all other fabrics because that's how it will last you forever. You
don't have enough Lulu to justify a full load? Well I'll buy more. What do you mean "that's a
terrible excuse to buy more Lululemon"?! I thought you liked nice things?? 'the fuck,
Nicholas?? This is why we don't have nice things!! Because you put all our nice things in
the washing machine with our not nice things!!!!!!
:) [are you laughing?]
Seriously though. I need to know the Mother's Day plan. This morning. Before Anything on the east coast closes.
Love, me
Footnote: The mother's day gift was resolved, but not because of an email from Nicholas.
Endnote: I did not send a cat or a muumuu.
this is hilarious.
ReplyDelete